I remember back when I was working full time. I had my own housecleaning service and I worked five days a week for seven different people. After work I would go home and take a short nap, then jump back in the car and pick up my husband from work. Then you know the drill, back home fix supper, wash dishes, do laundry, walk the dog, finally sit down and watch tv before going to bed. Up the next morning to do it all over again, until the day my strength went away.
All that time when I was working I would think about the things I would do if only I had some spare time. Maybe I'd do some decorative painting and take an art course, or take riding lessons. Or I'd go hiking and camping or learn a new job skill. Then suddenly, Wham! I have all this extra time, and find myself wasting time. Oh, I have excuses and reasons why I don't get things done. Blame it on the weather or my health or how helping someone else took all my time. Now I am too tired. I can sit and watch movies or talk on the phone and that free time just disappears into thin air.
Sounds good on paper, but I know it's all a lie. I have become lazy out of guilt and fear of not being able to do things as well as before. I tell myself this lie, that things have to be perfect or why bother? Fear is not a good companion, nor is guiltt. Both steal all your talents and abilities to reach beyond these days and grasp for a much better tomorrow.
So today, I dug through my craft supplies and found material for those long skirts I was going to make two years ago. I found wood for woodburning patterns and plastic canvas and lots of colorful yarn and canvases for painting pictures. Do I have the strength to create something for myself? Can I relax and enjoy life as it is now? One question remains. Can I throw away the lies, the fear, and the guilt that hold me back?
What guilt you might ask? Why the guilt of not working, of not pulling my weight and doing my fair share. Deep inside, even though I know it's a lie, I blame myself for being weak. At times I feel worthless and betrayed by my own body. I want my life back. To do all the things that matter and feel worth something again. But how?
Such a simple answer to so many questions. Why didn't I think of it before? Stop wasting time!