Rolling Without Limits

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I  Cried  All  Night
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I Cried All Night

Try as I might to be brave and face the loss of communication with a dear sweet lady, there are days and nights this burden of lost is too great. I have known her since I was a little girl and we have shared good times and bad, but now what she faces terrifies me. I want her to come back. I want the Aphasia to leave, so that when we talk she will understand what I am saying to her.

At first it seemed normal, the loss of energy and falling asleep in her chair. Sure she was a little slow to react, and had trouble learning new things. It just seemed like normal aging, after all she is 85 years old. But then other things started happening, like using the wrong words when she spoke, and being forgetful and then there was the lack of ability to concentrate, and weight loss, from forgeting to eat.

One day I went to visit, and was planning on doing grocery shopping for her. I watched as she tried to use her checkbook, but was confused by the month and date and the check numbers. I offered to help, but she became angry and irritated at the thought of someone else doing what she had done all these years by herself. It was an awkward moment, for I knew that if I did not help her, we would sit for hours as she tried to count, but would be unable to understand what the numbers meant. I spoke in soft tones to reassure her that it was okay to let me help and she could do it the next time. She turned to me with her arms wide open and and such sadness in her face that I reached for her and hugged her and we both cried. I feel such emptiness and sadness knowing my dear sweet lady with memory loss may have the begining Alzheimers.

She was taken to her the doctor, who performed several tests on her mental status and memory, then did blood work and a MRI, an EEG, and PET Scan. Family members were thinking it might be a brain tumor, or hoping it was a diease process that could be stopped or cured with a pill or surgery. But the results are in and the progressive diease can not be stopped. The pills offered by the doctor made her dizzy and ill, and due to danger of her falling, she stopped taking them.

Family and friends, have come together to help care for her and keep her in her own home, where she is familar with her surroundings and safe.  Everyday I go and make her meals and a pot of coffee and show her how to use the microwave. Everyday I show her how to turn the TV on and answer questions about who has put dishes in her cupboards and moved things around where she can not find them. Some days the questions are laced with suspicion that someone is coming into her house and stealing things. It is always someone else, as she lives in a mixed up world, not mentally aware one moment, and completely lucid the next. The frustration builds with each day being different, but also with this illness stealing her memories.

I want to bring her back out of this lost state before it gets worse and she does not know me anymore, or loses orientation with time and place. I pray each day and night that she be spared from knowing what is happening to her, for now she is aware something is wrong, and it breaks my heart knowing that I am losing her and she won't be coming back.

In years past, this dear lady sewed beautiful quilts and handmade most of her clothes. She had beautiful flowers in her backyard and traveled with her friends to far off places like Alaska and Montana. She was fun to be with and knowledgeble about many plants and wildlife, and country living. She had loved and lost her husband years ago, who was as important in my life as she is, and I am over come with grief and sadness, as I write this, for this dear sweet wonderful lady is my Mother.

 

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  1. SignLanguage
    You still have some time with her, so take advantage of it. Voted. By the way, I heard that Alzheimer's can be caused by metal like iron and aluminum, which are found in canned veggies and non-natural deodorant. Just a thought! Stop by my new post, The Hidden Face of Alexander Graham Bell, and vote if you believe it deserves it.
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  2. pftsusan
    pftsusan
    I understand because my father went through this two years before he passed. They can't be living alone because it is very dangerous. It's hard to deal with parent slipping like this while they are very confused going through a twilight zone. You got to be parenting them while not making them angry because the disease progresses faster when they are angry. It's a delicate balance. I went to his social worker for training. When they are angry do everything that they tell you to do within reason keeping calm. When the go to sleep through an twilight zone, correct it all because when they are up and conscience,they had forgotten about all that. It was difficult of letting go of who he was and dealing with who is at the time...A very heartfelt blog.
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  3. Teresa Thomas
    Teresa Thomas
    Vote #4... Wow!! Sweedly, I am sorry to hear about your mother. Although my mother, never went through what your mother is currently going through but, she has also, passed. My mother had passed due to congestive hear failure. But, she's gone nonethelss. I still yet, miss my mother. I have a very last birthday card, that she had given me before she passed. It is currently, on top of my desk, and unless, I am cleaning it, or moving, it won't come down off of my desk. It's there to remind me of her. She was into crafts, and so I have most of what she had when she was alive. just enjoy as much time as you can with your mother. Just want you to know, that when i was reading this, I was almost crying. It was, and is so moving. It makes me think of my mother even now. Just hang in there. My mother was 71 years old before passing. She had just turned 71 in Dec. of 2008 and passed in 2009. So, as of the 16th of April of this year, it will be four years since my mother's passing. I think of her always...........
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    1. sweedly
      sweedly
      Sorry about your loss of your mother. It is so hard to bear when it is your mom. :)
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      1. Teresa Thomas
        Teresa Thomas
        Sweely, I agree, that it is hard to bear when it's your very own mother. For me, it's still yet, hard for me. Grant you, my sisters have told me, that we need to remember the happy times that we had with her while she was here on earth, and I agree. But, for me, they don't seem to truly understand just how I feel. You see, when I was younger, my mother and I didn't have that great of a relationship as I would have loved to of had, but as time went by and my husband and I moved out here with our four sons, my mother and I started getting a little bit closer. We gotten even more closer within the late 90's to early 2000. For me, it's still so hard to even believe, that she's even gone and it's only been just about 4 years now. I know, that in time, the pain will ease. But, how can that be, when I have so many things here in my room to remind me of her?
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  4. sweedly
    sweedly
    Thank you for all your kind comments. It is very hard and some days I am so depressed and feel so helpless, as in I can not make it go away, but I spend everyday loving her for who she is.
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    1. Teresa Thomas
      Teresa Thomas
      Sweedly, thank you for your sweet words. It was very hard for all of us. What is worse, is that my sister Mary wrote up a eulogy for my mother. Then, it was this very same sister, and I whom took our mother's remains back home which, is West Virginia. That is where I"m from. My mother had always told us kids, that the only way, that she'd be going back there, was if they buried her there, and that's just what my sister and I did. Along with some family members from my dad's side of the family as well as my mother's. I know just how you feel. The pain is deep and yes, at times, you feel as though, the pain won't go away. For me, it won't because, my mother was also, in to doing crafts. Plastic canvas to be precise. She made two double layer crosses of which, are here in my room. Just about anything that she had made, I have here with me. I have all of her magazines that she had ever had. Therefore, I will agree, that you can't make it go away no matter how hard one tries, or believes, that the pain will subside over the years. I'm sorry, but, it doesn't. I'm finding myself thinking of mine every single day of the second. But, from time to time, I don't allow it to bother me. I need to realize, that she's in a much better off place than what my siblings and I are down here. So, sweedly, yes, I feel your pain and sympathize with you on having to do all that you can to take good care of her. Once again, just hang in there. I know, that it's not all that easy but, you must. My mother had told me of one thing that we all need to remember no matter the circumstances, that life isn't for the ones that have either passed on, or they are to the point of almost passing on, but it's for the ones that are living still. I do pray, that all will go well for her, and your family. Keep your chin up.......
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      1. sweedly
        sweedly
        You keep your chin up too. I know you understand what I am talking about.
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  5. Broken English
    Broken English
    Voted. A moving blog. Sorry to hear about your mother's condition, but as Sign Language says, you still have time with her, so make the most of it. You might be interested in my latest blog, A Disabled Man's Best Friend, please check it out and vote if you like it.
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    1. sweedly
      sweedly
      Glad you enjoyed reading it. yes, I am spending as much time with her as I can, and we are getting along much better now that she needs me, then when I was a young adult.
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  6. Lil Nana
    Lil Nana
    #6 Thank you for sharing
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    1. sweedly
      sweedly
      Your welcome. Thanks for reading and voting.
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  7. Shabs Online
    Shabs Online
    A very moving blog, but rightly said by SignLanguage and Broken English, you make most of the time, you have for her. Voted!
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  8. pftsusan
    pftsusan
    Looks like this is on the way to top posts, Sandra. I'm thinking tomorrow. Rooting for you.
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    1. sweedly
      sweedly
      Hey there Susan, I keep hoping to reach top post too, maybe tomorrow. Hope you had a good day!
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  9. Rene
    Rene
    Voted. I am sorry you're having to face this with your mom. You are in a much better place with her than I was with my mom & as I read your blog, tears began to flow freely. I use to beat myself up because I wasn't there for my mom in the end, but I know it wasn't meant for me to be there. She passed away May 7, 2008. I pray for God to bring you much peace & comfort through this time. If you get a moment, please check out: Healing & Forgiveness & vote if you liked it. Thank you.
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    1. sweedly
      sweedly
      Rene, Sorry to hear about your mom. I can tell by your post you loved her very much. Glad you enjoyed my blog. I will check out yours. Thanks for voting.
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