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Living With Fibromyalgia
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Living With Fibromyalgia

My name is Michelle Hamilton and I am a Fibromyalgia Survivor. I say survivor because there are many people who have ended their lives because of the pain and misery that fibromyalgia causes. I also say survivor because at one point in my life I prayed to die. I would never take my own life, because I am a Christian and it is against my beliefs, but I did repeatedly ask God just to take me home and put me out of my misery. Now I thank God that He didn’t. I can remember having symptoms of fibromyalgia as far back as 12 years old. I was a chronic insomniac even back then and I had “growing pains” that I now know were not normal. I was constantly tired all the time and had trouble concentrating on anything for very long. Somehow though I got through school and started a career in restaurant management. I was a superstar in management. It was my niche. I rose quickly from shift leader to assistant manager to general manager in a little over a year. I made really good money. I was number one in my entire company in sales and speed of service. I won many awards. So you see, I was an overachiever, type A personality, which is what 99% of people who get fibromyalgia are. I was never lazy, even though I was tired almost all the time. I pushed myself anyway. I was at the top of my career, on a fast track program to becoming a district supervisor when I fell at work. I slipped in some water and hurt my knee and my back. I had to go through workman’s comp to see a doctor. I had to take medical leave. During this time my usual aches and pains became worse. I started hurting all over. I felt like I had the flu all the time. If you do not have fibromyalgia but you’ve ever had the flu, imagine when your fever was really high and you hurt so bad that medicine did not help and that’s what it felt like, only times ten. I kept telling my workman’s comp doctor about my pain but he would not listen. He told me that his job was to treat my work-related injury. He would not refer me to a doctor that would treat me. In the end, I lost my job that had meant so much to me, and my career in restaurant management. It was very hard for me because I went from being a superstar to losing it all. I went into retail management as an assistant manager for over a year. I held on that long. It was a constant struggle though, and I just could not perform like I did in restaurant management. I knew that something was bad wrong with me but every doctor I went to treated me like I was crazy or a drug seeker. I didn’t want their drugs, I just wanted my life back. It took two years from the time I fell at work to get diagnosed by a doctor. Fibromyalgia. I finally had a name for my illness and that was such a great relief. I wasn’t crazy. It wasn’t all in my head. At the time I had 14 of the 18 pressure points. I finally had a doctor who believed me! It became more and more difficult for me to work. My pain just kept getting worse. I finally ended up having to leave my job and lost my insurance. I ended up on state insurance and that is when my real nightmare began. I lost the caring, understanding doctor. I had to start all over again. I went to many different doctors and again got treated like I had a mental illness or I was seeking drugs. I couldn’t get any of them to understand that I did not want to be medicated; I wanted to be healed. They threw medications at me anyway. I tried to listen to them. They were the professionals. I ended up on 17 different medications. My weight skyrocketed to 300 pounds! I had high blood pressure, tachycardia, insomnia, arthritis, and sleep apnea. My health just kept getting worse and worse. I ended up on disability. When I went before the judge I explained the person that I used to be and asked him to look at what I was now. I must have hit a nerve with him because he told me after the hearing that he was going to expedite my case and I would have a decision within a week. I was one of the few that actually got disability for fibromyalgia. I went through such a dark depression after getting my disability. I know most would probably say I should have been happy. I didn’t have to struggle as hard now that I had an income. But I didn’t see light at the end of the tunnel. I saw hopelessness. I saw that I was really not able to work anymore and I didn’t see it ever getting better. The worst thing that ever happened to me was not fibromyalgia, however. It was getting sent to pain management. It started out with hydrocodone and when I finally ended it I was hooked on oxy-contin and fentanyl. Fentanyl is 100 times stronger than morphine. I did not set out to become an addict. I listened to my doctors. I thought they knew what was best. I was so wrong. Looking back, those pain meds did nothing for me except make me sicker. They did not take the pain away. They actually tricked my body into hurting worse so I would take more. They robbed me of my life because the only time I wasn’t hurting was when I was messed up on them. The doctors like to make a nice word for it. They like to call it dependency, not addiction. If you can’t stop a drug without feeling like you are dying, then you are addicted. I tried so many times to quit and I would get so sick that I thought I had to be dying. I couldn’t take it. The pain would become so intense and I would get severely sick. Throwing up and running to the bathroom sick. My skin would crawl and I would be sweating and freezing at the same time. I just couldn’t take it on top of the fibromyalgia pain. I honestly believe that if something had not happened I would not be here right now. I would have eventually overdosed. I did not set out to become addicted to pain meds. I was looking for relief and I listened to the wrong people. It spun out of control. I know some people would say that it was my fault, and I accept responsibility for my actions. What I want people to see though, is that I wasn’t some junkie on the streets. I was at one time a successful member of society. I was a mother and a wife. I am a Christian with strong beliefs. Yet, it happened to me. If it could happen to me, it can happen to anyone. My husband, who is a wonderful man, also has chronic pain. He lost his leg in a motorcycle wreck when he was 19. He developed Crohn’s disease in his late 20’s. Crohn’s disease makes your immune system attack your intestines. He has told me that he would rather have lost his other leg than to have it, that’s how bad it gets. He also ended up on pain management and went down that dark road with me. He’s had issues with alcohol since his teens. He was adopted and his adoptive mother was abusive. He had many bad things happen in his childhood and he didn’t know how to cope with it, so he drank. When he was on pain medicine and he would drink too he would make really dumb decisions. The final straw was when he decided to drink and drive with my son and another kid from our neighborhood and he wrecked our truck and almost killed all of them. He hit a telephone pole doing 65 miles an hour and almost hit a guy on a bicycle in the process. If they had been in a car instead of a Z71 Chevy truck, they would all be dead. I snapped. Something inside me said enough. I left him at the hospital and told him I was finished. It was the most painful choice I had ever made. I started self-reflecting and realized that my life was out of control. I am one who believes that everything happens for a reason. If he hadn’t done what he did, I may not have ever changed. Seeing what he did though, it made me realize that I was doing the wrong thing too. I still made some dumb decisions in my personal life though. I ended up seeing this younger guy. I didn’t set out to do it. It just happened. He lived in the house behind mine in our neighborhood. He jumped my fence to look at a speaker that I had in a yard sale. He paid me complements and I had been so down for so long. It felt good to be noticed again. So I made the worst decision of my life and I let him into it. At first he was great. It was exciting and new. I knew that it was wrong. I knew that I was still married. At the time, I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was still coming off all the medications and I was trying to bury my real misery. I drank when I first met him. That is so not like me, and people that know me now and before that dark time probably wouldn’t believe it. I was out of control. I am not making excuses, only trying to explain where my mind was when I met him. I was still reeling over the loss of my 20-year marriage. I was not myself. To make a long story shorter, he ended up coming in on me one night and beating me up. I had never had anything like that happen to me before. My husband had his issues, but he had never laid a finger on me. I didn’t know how to react at first. I was so ashamed that I didn’t want anyone to know. Fortunately, I had a neighbor who I had become close to and she had escaped an abusive marriage. I ended up confiding in her and she talked me into calling the police. I had him arrested and he ended up getting 90 days for domestic assault and I have not seen or spoken to him since. I am not proud of anything that I have done, but I feel like I have to share it so people can see just how bad my life really got and what I have pulled myself out of. If I had never gone through anything bad, and I tried to talk to people about changing their lives, they would think there is no way I can understand. Well, I have been in the dark places. I have been an addict. I have made one dumb decision after another. I have been at the top, and I know what it feels like to fall. I knew that I had hit rock bottom. Something had to give. I started making changes. Slowly I started changing my diet, took myself off the medications and started feeling better. I began to lose weight. I started researching things to help my fibromyalgia naturally. The more I learned, the more I changed. My hair, which had started falling out and left me almost bald in the front, started growing back. I started wearing makeup again and taking an interest in how I looked. I literally stopped eating anything that was bad for me. I learned that gluten was causing practically all of my IBS symptoms so I eliminated it from my diet. I learned that sugar made my pain so much worse so I got rid of it too. Next, it was sugar alcohols. I went off meat to cleanse my body and I liked the feeling so much I never went back. I do on occasion eat wild caught fish. The more I learned, the more I changed. Now to date I have lost over 100 pounds and have kept it off for over a year. For over four years I barely left my house and when I did I was on a cane or in a wheelchair. Now, I am going to school full-time for Web Design, and I graduate August 15th!! I am working an internship for the local sheriff’s office rebuilding their current site and building a site for all of middle Tennessee’s law enforcement. Hopefully after graduation, it is going to lead to a full-time job. When I began this journey, if someone had said to me that I would be where I am today, I would have thought they were crazy. I would never have believed that I would feel good enough to return to work. I would never have believed that I could go to school and graduate with an A average! I can still remember having brain fog so bad that I couldn’t think! How could I go to school and do so well? My husband and I reconciled after he got clean also. I think seeing the changes in me helped inspire him to change as well. He’s had a few slip ups, but he is really trying. We’ve now been married 22 years in September. We are going to church and working on our marriage and healing from the hurt we have caused each other. I am sharing my story so that I can help others. I know that God allowed me to go through what I did so that I can relate to other people. I started a Facebook page in November of 2012. I started it because when I started feeling better, I realized that all the fibro support groups were full of really sick and really depressed people. While I could understand that, I was feeling better so I didn’t want to be around the darkness anymore. I created the Being Positive With Fibromyalgia page to offer a place of hope and support. We are now up over 2200 followers. I went to school to learn how to turn this page into a website. Now I am looking at a job as well. It is beyond my wildest dreams. I have been blessed so much. I no longer look at fibromyalgia as a curse. It has made me who I am today. I am a survivor. You can visit my page at http://www.facebook.com/BeingPositiveWithFibromyalgia

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