I thought I was just having a bout of "Winter Blues" or cabin fever when it came to writer's block. I have been numb minded for about a week now & every time I would try to blog, nothing would come. No words, nothing thought provoking, no lessons learned or to learn.
As I sat here today listening to some music & getting back in touch with God, it hit me. My mother's birthday is this Saturday the 16th of February. A-ha! So that's what's going on with me. I haven't even been able to provide any kind of intelligent conversaion, only a one or two word response. I'm tired all day long, & just blah.
Even though I now know what's going on with me, it's not as if a lightbulb suddenly goes off in my head & I become my old self again. That would be nice, but that's not how my body operates. I'll be fighting it until the blah's go away.
Long story semi-short: When my mother passed in May '08, during my grieving, I went through all of the channels, except I got stuck blaming myself. Taking on burdens that weren't even mine to have. It started with my mother, as she was my only care-taker & she was the last to pass away besides myself. Then I added on my brother's suicide & my other brother's accident. I was trying to carry all of this guilt & shame & it wasn't even mine!
Last year, I went through a period of confusion with a friend so we stopped talking for about six months. I got this invite to go to a revival from her & something in my heart said "Yeah, you need to go to this". So I went. The sermon was about forgiveness. God knew what I needed & urged me to go & I'm so very glad I did. I was able then to let go of all of the unforgiveness in my heart & mind, release the guilt & shame I was trying to carry, andmake things right between my friend & I.
Though I have forgiven, and been forgiven, it doesn't erase the sadness, however. Being sad is all right, as long as I don't allow it to control my entire life. I know the devil will use it as a foothold for his undoing of my life, and I don't want that to happen because God has such great things planned for me. If I'm drowning in my sorrow. I can't accept the great blessings God has for me.
I pray that when the next anniversary comes around, I recognize it before I get writers block again and ose my ability to communicate with those around me. It's like being mute. You want to be a part of the conversation, and yet you're mindless, thoughtless, and speechless.
God is healing me, one step, one moment at a time. All I have to remember is that He loves me, will never forsake me, and holds me close when I start losing my way.
Happy early Birthday Mom... I love you. I miss you and I'll be sure to have a special dinner or dessert for you! I pray to continue to honor you & Dad so y'all can smile when looking at what I'm doing.
May God bless all who read my blogs, & Thank You for checking them out & voting if you like it.