Rolling Without Limits

Your mobility may be limited. Your voice, boundless.

More Than One Anniversary
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More Than One Anniversary

I thought I was just having a bout of "Winter Blues" or cabin fever when it came to writer's block. I have been numb minded for about a week now & every time I would try to blog, nothing would come. No words, nothing thought provoking, no lessons learned or to learn. 

As I sat here today listening to some music & getting back in touch with God, it hit me. My mother's birthday is this Saturday the 16th of February. A-ha! So that's what's going on with me. I haven't even been able to provide any kind of intelligent conversaion, only a one or two word response. I'm tired all day long, & just blah. 

Even though I now know what's going on with me, it's not as if a lightbulb suddenly goes off in my head & I become my old self again. That would be nice, but that's not how my body operates. I'll be fighting it until the blah's go away. 

Long story semi-short: When my mother passed in May '08, during my grieving, I went through all of the channels, except I got stuck blaming myself. Taking on burdens that weren't even mine to have. It started with my mother, as she was my only care-taker & she was the last to pass away besides myself. Then I added on my brother's suicide & my other brother's accident. I was trying to carry all of this guilt & shame & it wasn't even mine! 

Last year, I went through a period of confusion with a friend so we stopped talking for about six months. I got this invite to go to a revival from her & something in my heart said "Yeah, you need to go to this". So I went. The sermon was about forgiveness. God knew what I needed & urged me to go & I'm so very glad I did. I was able then to let go of all of the unforgiveness in my heart & mind, release the guilt & shame I was trying to carry, andmake things right between my friend & I. 

Though I have forgiven, and been forgiven, it doesn't erase the sadness, however. Being sad is all right, as long as I don't allow it to control my entire life. I know the devil will use it as a foothold for his undoing of my life, and I don't want that to happen because God has such great things planned for me. If I'm drowning in my sorrow. I can't accept the great blessings God has for me. 

I pray that when the next anniversary comes around, I recognize it before I get writers block again and ose my ability to communicate with those around me. It's like being mute. You want to be a part of the conversation, and yet you're mindless, thoughtless, and speechless. 

God is healing me, one step, one moment at a time. All I have to remember is that He loves me, will never forsake me, and holds me close when I start losing my way. 

Happy early Birthday Mom... I love you. I miss you and  I'll be sure to have a special dinner or dessert for you!  I pray to continue to honor you & Dad so y'all can smile when looking at what I'm doing. 

May God bless all who read my blogs, & Thank You for checking them out & voting if you like it. 

Leave a Comment

  1. pftsusan
    pftsusan
    So sorry you lost your Mom and family.I think that you are handling it well. I lost my Mom that following Oct. I would give anything to have her back, even for 30 secs in a dream. They are in a better place, now. I invite you to read my new one, "Change the Recording". Please vote if you like it.
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    1. Rene
      Rene
      Thank you.
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  2. Broken English
    Broken English
    Voted. Great blog. I know myself that it can often be very hard to forgive, but I find that meditation really helps. I practise that almost every day now, and I feel a lot calmer, and I am much more able to let things go. Maybe you should give that a try as well, if you don't already meditate. You might also like my newest blog here Following A Hunch, check it out! :-)
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    1. Rene
      Rene
      Thanks for the vote & advice. I don't regularly meditate, but I have been seriously considering it.
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      1. SignLanguage
        It's refreshing, to say the least!
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  3. SignLanguage
    A touching blog. I can't say I would know how this feels, but with the fight I have with my parents, it's as though I had lost my parents. They're dead in another sense to me, although I believe this affects me in a different manner than it does for you. Voted. When you have the chance, visti my new post, It's More than just Ease of Access.
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    1. Rene
      Rene
      Thank you. When my mom passed, it really hit me that I was the only one left in my immediate family, & it just brought to the forefront that life is entirely too short. I'm sorry you're having problems with your parents. Even that "death" can be devastating. I do hope y'all come to a compromise or are able to work through it & come to some kind of understanding.
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      1. SignLanguage
        So far, it's been very difficult. I don't see one in sight yet... Thanks for the kind thoughts.
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  4. Lil Nana
    Lil Nana
    Voted, my moms birthday is tomorrow and I miss her so much
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    1. Rene
      Rene
      Thank you. I'm sorry Nana. *Hugs*
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