Rolling Without Limits

Your mobility may be limited. Your voice, boundless.

My Personal Story
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My Personal Story

I decided to give my 'Deaf series' of articles a bit of a rest and tell you the story of how I believe I was greatly affected in my youth.  Many people can claim that their parents made quite a few serious mistakes, and that's more common than some would like to believe.  However, what does one do when the issues are at a very deep psychological level, or even a spiritual one?  One that goes far beyond words and physical pain?

Let me explain what I mean by this, by telling you about my birth.  I'm not sure this has an impact on my life, but the fact that I was forced out by C-section even before my mother was in labor, seems to point to the fact that my mother had taken control of even this very sacred and entirely random act.  I did not decide when to come out; she did that for me.  So, on July 25th at 8AM, my mother was rolled into surgery by a nurse.  I was born shortly after.

My mother did, however, have very good reasons to do it.  I'm not saying this was a satirical overtake of a spiritual contract with God.  I was in the wrong direction, and my brother was born through C-section as well.  What I am unsure of, is how much the set date, instead of simply waiting until she went into labor, affected my birth.

I might have been in shock, because I refused to be fed by her.  Since babies are helpless, they can't do more than regurgitate their food in rebellion-- and that is exactly what I did.  Thank goodness my father wasn't away on yet another military mission, because I would've been in trouble.  Up to approximately six months old, my father had to feed me the minute he got home because I would not have ingested much of what my mother gave me, and I would've probably  let myself starve to death.  Dad says it could've been my reaction to the fact that my mom is naturally a worry-wart, and I picked up on it.  Maybe.  But what happened two years later tells me it may be more than just that.

This time, my father was away on a military mission overseas.  I don't know all the details, but I scared the hell out of my mother by almost dying.  I came very close to not breathing.  When we arrived at the hospital, the doctor told my mom that had we arrived only thirty minutes later, I would be dead.  "You were very lucky," he told her.  I had to stay in the hospital for two weeks.  As some of you may know, in those days, parents were forbidden from visiting because the physicians believed that psychological trauma, due to repeat separation from parents, wass too much for such a young child.  (Today doctors know better.)  So, I didn't see my mother for two full weeks.  And when she came back to take me home, I didn't even react.  No surprise, no sadness, no joy.  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.

I believe it was Edgar Cayce who once said that a soul who is born into the wrong life will try to die when the body it lives in is still very young.  This is what he says is the cause of serious illnesses in children and cites it as the cause of crib death.  Well, this is what I believe my soul was doing: trying to escape a life that wasn't meant for me.  I almost died twice more after that. Once at six years old, and once at fourteen, both accidents.

All my life, I had the feeling I was choking.  It took me several years after leaving my parent's home, to finally start feeling like I was getting to know myself.  To say that my mother smothers me, is an understatement.  Just recently, I tied this incident with my long-time feeling of not being free-- of not 'breathing freely, all my life.  Anyone who knew me as a child can tell you how I was unusually quiet.  Teachers kept telling my mom that this was not normal, and worried about me.  Every year, my mother fought with them during PTA meetings, telling them that I was perfectly normal.  I didn't understand at the time. How could I?  I was so young.

All my life I have lived with breathing troubles.  My mother, who is a registered nurse, told me it was due to me almost dying and said that I would always have weak lungs without being able to give this 'dis-ease' and actual name.  Although today I am not fully healed, I have finally started to breathe much more easily.

I could go on and on about how hard it was to try to break free from the claws that were once deeply encroaching me.  The wounds aren't fully healed yet - I can guarantee that.  There is still much more work to do. Wiith me still fighting to keep the claws away from the wounds, it will be a very long and difficult road.

 

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  1. pftsusan
    pftsusan
    Thank you for sharing.
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    1. pftsusan
      pftsusan
      Rollingwithoutlimits covers an umbrella of challenges. That includes psychological scars as well.
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  2. Broken English
    Broken English
    Voted. A powerful and thought-provoking blog Annie. I really feel for you - my childhood was a very traumatic and troubled one as well, in a lot of ways. As you say, it is probably more common than you think, because generally people don't talk about things like that very much, not to people they don't know well, anyway. Like you, I have psychological scars that may never go away. I am thinking of writing about my upbringing here as well some time (one reason why I call myself "Broken", because of things that happened to me!) It is probably not a coincidence that we are both vegan and always stand up for any who we perceive as being vulnerable or oppressed - we have probably been made extra-compassionate because of what we have been through.
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    1. SignLanguage
      Actually, I am pointing out that my problem may not even be psychological. I was describing how a soul in the wrong body suffers in a spiritual way. My 'suffocating' feeling all the way through childhood seems to be that. Or else, why else does a newborn baby try to kill itself? I've almost died three times after that as well. This is further than the smothering I went through; this is my spirit screaming "Let me back in God, I'm in the wrong life!"
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      1. Broken English
        Broken English
        Interesting theory, it could well be! I am thinking of having a past-life regression at some point (I already do a meditation which covers a bit of that), but I know that many of the problems I have had are directly related to this life. Even so, sometimes if you suffer a lot in this life, it is still related to past lives, karma, etc. I believe that too.
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        1. SignLanguage
          Have you heard of Edgar Cayce? He's an American and was named the world's best psychic. I read a lot of the books inspired from his writings (no one has the right to publish his original writings).
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          1. Broken English
            Broken English
            Yes, I have heard of Edgar Cayce. He was quite remarkable in his abilities, wasn't he? I didn't know that no one could publish his original writings though.
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  3. Rene
    Rene
    Voted. I enjoyed your blog. I have to be honest, I'm having a bit of a response/writer's block at the moment. I'm sorry for that because I do want to respond. I'm just having one of those days where the mind is blank :-(
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    1. SignLanguage
      That's fine. The vote speaks for itself. Thank you for stopping by.
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  4. Lil Nana
    Lil Nana
    #7 Thank you for sharing
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    1. SignLanguage
      Thanks for voting!
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  5. sweedly
    sweedly
    Another beautiful life story, thank you for sharing. I have often tried to reason out the things that happened to me as a child but have come to the conclusion there is no reason for it. In a spiritual sense I survived for something greater that I am or was mean't to do in this life. Maybe being here to care for my mother is part of it, or just caring for others. It is said we do not realize how many people we may have helped in this world, just by uttering a kind word. Voted.
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  6. Lil Bit
    Lil Bit
    Voted - Great blog. Thank you for sharing.
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