Sarah Young wrote in her book, Jesus Calling, “Give up the illusion that you deserve a problem-free life. Part of you is still hungering for the resolution of all difficulties.” My life seems to be unending adversity. Yet, it’s in the pain where I have experienced God’s grace the most. I am in the rebuilding stages of my life. For an entire year, I have waited, quietly while rebuilding my strength from a medical accident. “Be still and know that I am God.” This was the theme for me in 2011.
In late 2010, two weeks prior to Thanksgiving, I was scheduled for a routine medical procedure. I was expected to return home after one night in the hospital. What was routine became the unexpected when I began to hemorrhage ten hours after surgery. I will never forget the feeling I experienced when I knew that something was very wrong. My chin began to shake. My chest burned. There was no strength nor time to utter any words of help. I knew instinctively that things were not right.
The physician leaned over the hospital bed to inform me that I was bleeding internally, and emergency surgery was necessary. I begged first with the glare of my eyes and then with the little bit of strength I had left, “Please, don’t let me die.” And in that moment, as if those few words had taken everything from me, I felt life leaving me. Sinking, my soul, my physical being leaving me. In that moment, the only thing I could do was reach for the most tangible thing in this world. For me the only thing within reach was the cold steel frame of the hospital bed. I held tight, gripping to the bed rail, as if somehow the solid form would keep me in the land of the living.
My world as I knew it stood completely still. I’m sure the nurses and physician–even my husband–buzzed around me. Forcing that hospital bed down the hallway to the operating room. But I don’t recall any of that. All I knew was I was in a fight. A fight, I felt almost certain, I was not going to win. Although my lips never moved with prayer, my heart screamed out, crying to God for more time. No, the scenes of my life did not flash before me nor did I experience this great sense of peace. I was in a battle. I was not ready!
My husband kissed me. And I went to sleep not knowing if I would wake again.
This blog, is a healing journey for me. I know that God wants me to take with me the adversities I have faced and use them for HIS glory. That’s what I intend to do. I must admit that I do not know where this journey will take me. I’m merely trusting in him and growing my faith. Bit by bit, I hope to recapture the painful memories of my latest tragedy and try to rebuild my life. For life has a different meaning for me now.
I want this to serve as a resource for those living in wheelchairs. This is my response–in the litany of love–in which Christ has called me. My prayer is that you will follow me on this journey and along the way share your thoughts, and your prayer requests, and together we will be transparent to better serve and grow in the grace of Christ.
Be blessed my friends…stay tuned for the rest of the story.